


i know you know that Here is Home

by thecaptainjames



Category: The Old Guard (Movie 2020)
Genre: M/M, New Years, author got sad thinking about how Booker's exile is happening during a global pandemic ooof
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-03
Updated: 2021-01-03
Packaged: 2021-03-13 05:15:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,076
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28523058
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thecaptainjames/pseuds/thecaptainjames
Summary: The Guard has dealt with a lot of changes over the past few months, and Nicky reflects as the new year begins.“I do not forgive you, and time alone will not do that. Forgiveness will be yours to earn. But I cannot stand to see Joe suffer, not in Merrick’s lab, and not now while he misses you. Nile misses you, Andy and Quynh miss you, and I will not watch them mourn any longer, not when we’ve all been through so much pain already.”“And you?” Booker asks quietly. “Did you miss me as well?”
Relationships: Background Andy/Quynh - Relationship, Booker | Sebastien le Livre & Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani, Booker | Sebastien le Livre & Nicky | Nicolo di Genova, Booker | Sebastien le Livre & Nile Freeman, Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani/Nicky | Nicolò di Genova
Comments: 13
Kudos: 147





	i know you know that Here is Home

**Author's Note:**

> title is from Here is Home by Ryn Weaver
> 
> Quynh rejoined the group after her return (not evil), but Booker continued his exile.

It’s a subtle thing- just the cupboard door closing harder than usual. It’s subtle enough for Nile not to take notice, but it has Nicky lifting his eyes from his book with concern. He’s noticed the growing tension in his husband’s shoulders and jaw as the months have simultaneously crept and sped by. The year has been tumultuous enough, their family structure fluctuating rapidly without warning and the world around them in various states of disarray. 

Nicky has been careful, following Joe’s lead as they adjusted to new dynamics. Nile has quickly become a great friend and a great member of the team, and Quynh’s return has lifted a weight that they had gotten so used to carrying with them all these years. But as the new year begins, the unspoken words and feelings he can sense Joe stifling are becoming suffocating, hanging over them heavier with each passing day. 

“You have been unhappy, my love,” he says that night, lips trailing gently up Joe’s shoulder to below his ear. He bites the bullet. “You miss him.” He feels Joe tense up in his arms, and then relax with a heavy sigh out his nose. 

“I shouldn’t,” he mumbles, tucking his face into the crook of Nicky’s neck as if he’s ashamed and Nicky _tsk_ s. 

“He is your best friend, of course you miss him. I miss him, too. We all do.”

“He hurt you, he tried to take you from me, I-,” Nicky soothes his hands down Joe’s back as his breathing grows heavier. “I should hate him, Nicky, why don’t I hate him?”

“Because we love him, it is as simple as that,” he says, squeezing Joe tighter against him when he feels hot tears spill against his collarbone, reaching up to stroke over his curls. “It wouldn’t hurt like this if we didn’t. He is our family, despite it all.” 

“I was so angry before, but all I can think about now is that I hate that he’s alone. And that I was the one to make that happen.” Nicky tilts Joe’s face up with a finger under his chin, kissing over the wet corners of his eyes and cupping the back of his neck until he feels him relax again, breath becoming less ragged. 

“We made that decision together, hayati, and we have every right to be angry with him. It does not mean we do not care about him any less. And we should not waste time blaming ourselves for the poor choices he made. He may be young, but he is no child.” Joe nods, their foreheads nudging together with the movement. 

“I know, I _know_ that, but I still feel-” Nicky brings their lips together firmly, and Joe sobs weakly into the kiss, hands clutching into Nicky’s hair and holding him close.

“It’s alright,” he reassures, pulling him back into the safety of his shoulder. “I understand, I feel the same.”

Joe eventually falls asleep like that, drained, curled tight around him and clinging. Nicky curses himself looking down at him, taking in the dark circles under his eyes and furrow of his brow that even sleep doesn’t ease. He carefully extracts himself, soothing the soft groan in response with gentle kisses to his forehead, bundling the blankets back around him before slipping from the room. 

He feels restless, pacing throughout the empty space of the safehouse and its halls, wishing the light were on in the room where Andy and Quynh have taken to sequestering themselves for hours at a time ever since their reunion. He can’t begrudge them at all for wanting to be alone after all these years, but he desperately could use their wisdom at a time like this. 

It’s noise from the other room that ends up finally stopping his racing thoughts in their tracks. He had assumed Nile was also asleep, the door closed and the lights off like the others, but a quiet sob from inside has him freezing in his latest lap through the halls. Nile has been easy to connect with so far, open and earnest in her emotions. He had thought he was beginning to know her, but this-

“I miss them,” her voice breaks, muffled through the door, and Nicky closes his eyes tight against the surge of grief that consumes him. “I miss them so much, Book. And it’s even worse, knowing that they’re out there right now I _could_ visit them, but I _can’t_ and I shouldn’t and I know _why_ but- I just don’t think the others really understand, you know? I feel like they’d tell me that’s how my life just _is_ now. And it’s exactly like you told me it would happen and-” 

Nicky forces himself away from the door and back further down the hall at the sound of her soft crying. He feels far past the point of intrusive now, stomach twisting and heart pounding in his ears as he enters their bedroom again. Joe is still as he left him, curled up in the comforter. He looks just as weary and upset as before. 

Decision made, he presses a final kiss to Joe’s curls and places a note on the pillow. He knows Joe will still worry in his absence, but it’s better than leaving without a word. Rationally, he knows that he should wait until morning and talk this over with everyone, but he lets himself act on instinct before he second-guesses himself further and slips out into the night.

It hadn’t taken long to locate him; a text from Copley revealing that Booker hasn’t relocated since Quynh returned. The lock is far too easy to pick and the favored gun on the table suggests that the man will be unarmed upon his return and Nicky feels a simmering anger at the carelessness. He focuses his annoyance on tidying the room and packing the meager belongings strewn about. It’s evident that the place has been lived in but neglected, the laundry in the hamper clean but not put away, the sink stacked with dishes not yet washed, and empty bottles scattered on the counter and next to the bed.

By the time the door creaks open, early morning now, Nicky has cleaned and packed everything and is simply waiting for the man’s imminent return. He doesn’t disappoint, stumbling through the unlocked door in confusion with a hand reaching for the gun absent from the waistband of his jeans. He blinks slowly as he takes in the sight of Nicky sitting at his table.

“So, is this going to be a thing now? You all breaking in?” he mumbles, raking a hand through his hair and shutting the door firmly. He rests his forehead against the frame for a long moment, steeling himself before turning back around; he already feels far too sober for whatever this is. Nicky gestures at the empty chair and he begrudgingly takes the spot. 

“Is there a reason you do not have better security?” Booker shrugs and refuses to meet his eyes, fixated on a chip in the wood that he digs his fingernail into.

“I can take care of myself.” Nicky snorts. 

“You’ve done a splendid job so far.” Booker glances around then, suddenly noticing his things packed on the bed. He finally meets Nicky’s gaze then, brow drawn in confusion. “I’m here to bring you home.”

“I- I can’t do that, you know I can’t,” he says, looking down again. “I shouldn’t.” 

“Cannot, should not, or _will_ not?” 

“Don’t make me do this, Nicky,” he begs quietly, eyes drifting shut against the sudden sting. Nicky shifts, leaning forward to place his hand over Booker’s and gripping tight when he tries to pull away. 

“Has it helped, Booker? Time away from us, does it help you at all?”

“It’s what I deserve.”

“That’s not what I asked. Does it _help you_? Or would you spend the next century wasting away like this?” Booker frowns.

“Was that what you intended? To _help_ me? Or was it to punish, because that is what I assumed this was, Nicky.” 

“It was to be _both_ , I suppose, Sébastien,” Nicky sighs and he moves away again, elbows on his knees as he runs his hands over his face, frustrated. “But I do not think this separation is good for anyone.” 

“So... what, you had more time to think and suddenly decided to forgive me?”

“No,” Nicky says firmly, anger bubbling to the surface. “I do not forgive you, and time alone will not do that. Forgiveness will be yours to earn. But I cannot stand to see Joe suffer, not in Merrick’s lab, and not now while he misses you. Nile misses you, Andy and Quynh miss you, and I will not watch them mourn any longer, not when we’ve all been through so much pain already.”

“And you?” Booker asks quietly. “Did you miss me as well?” He can see Nicky’s jaw clench and feels pinned by the weight of his stare.

“Of course I did. We were friends, too. Can still be friends again one day, I would like to think, but we won’t get there like this.” Booker returns his attention to the chip in the table surface.

“I stayed here,” he confesses after a tense silence. “I guess because I wanted you to know where I was. I know it was stupid-”

“It was,” Nicky agrees and Booker finally cracks a smile. “We could have found you anywhere if we needed to. Your position is vulnerable like this, you even left your gun here, what were you-

“ _Nicky,_ ” Booker laughs, and Nicky throws his hands up, exasperated, but goes quiet with a grumble. “C’mon-,” he gets to his feet with a groan. “I’ll drive, I know you hate it.” And Nicky happily hands over the keys in favor of grabbing Booker’s bags for him.

It’s nearly midday by the time they reach the safehouse. Joe must have been waiting because the door swings open only a moment after the car doors slam shut. He freezes in the doorway when he sees them and Booker falters in the pathway. Nicky moves past him with a reassuring squeeze of his hand on his shoulder before climbing the stairs and pulling Joe into his arms. The embrace is returned immediately, Joe startled into motion, and warm kisses are pressed against his jaw. 

“Ya amar, _Nicolò_ ,” he sighs, breathless and overwhelmed. 

“I could not bear to see you so lost, my love.”

“I could never be lost with you.” Joe smiles, lip trembling and eyes bright with tears, and his gaze drifts to the side, over Nicky’s shoulder to where Booker still stands in the yard waiting, shifting his weight from one foot to the other. Nicky kisses the corner of his mouth and lets him go, nudging him encouragingly down the steps as he moves into the house. 

He doesn’t get far before Nile appears from the living room, the concern written on her face easing when she sees him. 

“You’re back! Andy said not to worry, but Joe was pretty panicked, where did you-?” She goes quiet, eyes growing wide as she registers the sight behind him, where Booker has his face pressed into Joe’s shoulder. “Nicky, wh-?”

“I know you miss your family,” he says gently, reaching to take her hand and she squeezes back tight. “And I know not being able to go home has been more than difficult for you.”

“And you… you’re okay with this?” 

“I will be.” She makes a noise of protest and he cuts her off with a shake of his head. “We’ll deal with it together, as we should have done in the first place. Now, go say hello.” 

He retreats to the bedroom and sits heavily on the edge of the bed, letting the fatigue catch up to him at last. He closes his eyes, listening to the quiet noise of the front door closing and the ensuing muffled conversations, the creak of the other bedroom door and Quynh’s happy exclamation of Booker’s name. 

“How are you?” He opens his eyes again as Andy steps into the room. She sits next to him and he lets himself be tugged against her side by the gentle hand clasped at the back of his neck. 

“I’m alright.” She presses a kiss to his temple and he melts into the way her thumb massages into his nape. “We’ll be alright.” 

**Author's Note:**

> can be found at transmascbooker on tumblr :)


End file.
